Couple of things...

I had the meeting with the counselor I mentioned in my last post this past Thursday morning. She asked me what brought me in to see her, and I honestly didn't know what to tell her, so I just said I wasn't happy. And since I'm not really that good at expressing myself verbally, she asked questions about if I was feeling this or that, and boy she was good. She gave me a diagnosis, and we've determined that this all stems from events that happened to me in high school, and things like that can harbor themselves in someone for a long time. I've been dealing with this for that long, only now it seems to have come to a head. So I am to continue seeing her and she's going to come up with a "treatment plan" and ways of coping and moving on. Part of my "homework" is to keep a journal of my feelings and things that bother me, and I've even found that hard to do, like I said, I'm not good at verbally expressing myself.

Also she wants me to start making myself do things that make me feel better about, well, myself since that is something that I've started neglecting. So, I've applied for a job. I have an interview next Tuesday at noon. We'll see how that pans out. She also told me I should finish my degree. I wholeheartedly agree. I was hoping to do this when Carter gets a little older. Maybe if I get this part-time job I can start back to college part time as well sooner than I had anticipated.

On another note, my little man and I had a wonderful "date" this afternoon. I decided I would try taking him to the movies for his first time. So we had lunch at Chik-Fil-A, and went on over to the movie theater to watch the double-feature of Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D. I went in with an open mind, not really expecting all that much, as he doesn't sit still for very long. We get in there and have the whole theater to ourselves, and we get to watch the whole first movie! He alternated sitting in his seat beside me, and in my lap. He wouldn't wear his glasses though, but that's OK. After the first movie we had a "bashoom" break, and he said he was ready to go home. I think overall it went pretty well! I'm proud of him! :)

I'm still around...

No, for my few followers who may have been wondering, I haven't forgotten about my blog. I've just been going through some things for a while, and I should have been blogging about it, but that is part of my problem, I just DON'T KNOW what my issues are, I only know that they are substantial, and many things are taking the hits for it.

So, I decided that I cannot go on this way, and it's not fair to me, or my family and few friends to be this way either. I've got an appointment tomorrow morning with a counselor. I hope that I'm able to open up to her and she can help me figure out why I've become this person I've become, I don't like her, and I feel nobody else does either.

A lot has been going on lately!!

It's been a week since I've posted anything, and a lot has happened in the last week! Monday of last week I weighed for the first time since the beginning of June, and to my surprise I'd lost almost 8lbs!! WOOT! So that put me at my pre-Carter weight. This past Monday when I weighed again, I'd lost another 3.1lbs. I went out to the storage building and pulled out the rubbermaid totes of my old clothes I'd packed up after Carter was born wondering if I'd ever get into those again and wore an outfit I hadn't worn in 3 years to town that day!!! (Can I mention the shorts were a SIZE 4?!!!) Ahhh... feels good to be “myself” again! :)

Tuesday I took Carter in for his two year checkup. Wowzers! This kid weighs 31lbs (75-90%), is 36.5" tall (90%), and has a 20.15" head circ (>95%). Poor baby also had to have a shot, which I thought we were done with. Oh he cried so hard, I wanted to cry right along with him. He doesn't really cry like that often and it's sooo pitiful. Whining, now, is a different story! Dr. Pontzer said everything was right on track, even ... get this... his speech!!!!! He said as long as he knows over 50 words (he's got close to 100 at last count), has some two word phrases and others can understand at least 50% of his speech whether it's all pronounced correctly or not, he's right on track!! He said that his own 2 year old was at the same level as far as speech as Carter, so no worries! Holy Sigh of Relief! I just can't even begin to describe how much better that made me feel. But I still am going to continue with the speech therapy, it can't hurt, right?? I still feel like tapping my toe waiting for the sentences to begin.... AHH!!! I know I'll be biting my tongue when the day arrives.

Wednesday was yet another speech therapy session, and I didn't get as overwhelmed as I did last time. (see helpless and overwhelmed post). This time there was no mention of the “dreaded word” that I was spazzing over last time. He actually sat in his chair and worked with Miss Paula for the whole hour. They make a game out of it, and he really seemed to enjoy it, and he did so well!! He loves to imitate! That makes me a happy Mommy!

Thursday we went to the Wilkes County Public Library again for their toddler program. I actually remembered to take the camera with me this time and got some cute pictures of him dancing, jumping, crabwalking, and playing his maracas and tambourines! Unfortunately it was the last session of that for the summer and by the time it starts up again he will be in the pre-school program, but it will be just as fun for him! I can't wait to see how he blossoms when he gets in there.

Friday was our first playdate! I joined a local mommies group several weeks ago, and we finally went to one of their playdates. Carter had a really good time there. It was nice to let him play, and for me to have the opportunity to meet and talk with other moms. The mom hosting it rented one of those big bounce-house slide things (I've posted pictures on my Facebook page). He wanted to go on this thing. So I take his shoes off and sit him up there, knowing he wouldn't want to climb up that high to slide down. Boy was I ever wrong!!! Up he went, climbed all the way to the top, then down he came! I have to admit, I got pretty nervous the higher he got on there. We also had pizza and cake right before time to go home. It was such a great time!

And finally, yesterday, we went with my mommies group again to the firestation! Have a mentioned how much Carter is in love with firetrucks?? He's gaga over them. It's borderline obsession!! HAHA He'd rather play with his firetrucks than anything, with his little siren squeal “WOO WOO” the whole time. So we get there and he sees the firetrucks and his siren goes full blast. We all met inside to talk with the firemen and watch a firesafety cartoon. Uh, yeah – he wasn't having that. I could just tell what he was thinking “MOM!! FIRETRUCKS NOW!!” Really all he was saying was “Mama, WOOWOO”, over and over, but I got the gist of it!! ;) Finally to Carter's (and probably everyone else's) relief the video was over and it was time to go tour the trucks. All the kiddos got a fire chief hat (he loved this too) and got to go up in one of the trucks to sit, and hear the sirens. I've got pics of this posted on Facebook too, there are just too many pictures from this week to try and post here. And finally, an ambulance came by for an added treat for the kiddos. They got to get in there and check it out as well, and get to sit on the stretcher. Carter told he EMT as he was sitting on there he had a “googoo” (booboo) while holding up his leg and pointed to his knee. Of course there was nothing there, silly boy!! I died laughing. That was too funny. The rest of the day was all about firetrucks and wearing that hat. So I think we've figured out what he's going to be for Halloween. Care to guess?? ;)

My Angel Day

Today marks the 3rd anniversary since my miscarriage. I can't believe it's been this long. It's such a bittersweet day, because I know without that day, we wouldn't have our little Carter, but I still can't help but wonder what s/he would have been like. S/he would have turned two years old March 18th, which was my EDD. I still think about my Angel, especially on July 21st, and March 18th. I remember the day I got my BFP, excited, but scared because I just felt like something wasn't right. I don't know why. I guess spotting for 6 weeks will do that to you. Then finally, once the pain and bleeding set in, I was sent in for an ultrasound, where nothing but a yolk sac was seen. hCG was at 1900, but that was the only draw, but at 6 weeks it should have been higher. I was sent home from the ER on the 21st of July, 2006 to m/c naturally.

Needless to say, Chris and I were both pretty devastated. We knew we wanted a child before that happened obviously, but I think it was that experience that proved to us just how badly we wanted to be parents. Almost one year later, on July 13th, 2007 our miracle baby Carter James came into the world. I know our Angel was looking down and rejoicing that his/her new baby brother was making Mommy and Daddy so happy.

Feeling so overwhelmed and helpless.

We had another speech therapy session yesterday afternoon. While he's making excellent progress, there's a lot of his new words that he's not saying correctly, and wanting to use his "backing" habit to say them. For example "boo boo" is "goo goo" and "block" is "grock". He's really picked up in the last couple of weeks most of his consonant sounds, but doesn't use them in all his words. He can say "shhh" to tell me to hush, but won't use it to say "shoe", it's "gyoo".

So, his SLP said that while he's still young and we can't make a definite diagnosis since he's really just now learning the consonant sounds, the backing process is usually seen in a phonological disorder. That's right: disorder. This for some reason bothers me like you wouldn't believe. Every mother wants for her child to be perfect, and the word disorder just seems to give him a stigma of sorts. While she said a phonological disorder (can I just use another word for that?) is usually outgrown by children it *can* lead to learning and reading problems later on without therapy. SOO... we're possibly looking at upping his therapy to once a week rather than twice a month.

Right now, this is only speculation, but just when I thought things were really starting to come along for him and his speech, I get hit with this again. More worry. More frustration. More tears on my part. I just want to do everything I can to help him, and I just feel so helpless with this.

He'll be starting a two day a week pre-school program next month, and I pray that being around other children his age will help him to "blossom" and learn to use sounds correctly. His SLP seems to think this can really help too. This is the whole reasoning behind putting him in there.

I just wish I could find the inner strength to handle this instead of letting it bother me, and help him. But right now, it's taking some adjusting I guess. I want to be able to play and talk with my child, not have to make all day everyday "mommy therapy".

Happy 2nd Birthday Carter James!

Well, it's here. Carter is TWO today. In honor of this day, I'm going to reminisce a bit and recall his birth story.

Starting the first week in July 2007, Dr. Blackwell starting expressing some concern with my fundal height as compared to gestational age, meaning, I was a lot bigger than I should have been, and I was incredibly uncomfortable. I had been dealing with contractions and some dialation and effacement since about 33 weeks. So, he sent us for a growth ultrasound to see how big our baby boy was. This was on July 10th. That afternoon we get a call from his nurse telling us Carter was already estimated at 9 and a half pounds and for us to come in on Thursday (12th) to discuss our "options". I was 37w4d at the time. Thursday rolls around and we go in to see Dr. Blackwell. He suggests we go ahead and schedule a c-section because of my size in comparision to Carter's, he didn't think I would be able to deliver him. I told him I at least wanted to try. So with contractions already going anyway (not regular, or so I thought) we were sent on over to the hospital for induction @37w6d. By the time we got checked into the hospital I had lost my mucous plug, was dialted to 2cm, and Carter was at +1 station, so he was already down in the birth canal. The monitor showed I was already having regular contractions as well. But, still, Dr. B inserted Cytotec to speed things up and also broke my water. Epidural took several upon several tries at insertion with it going in once and not working!! Had to call another anesthesiologist to come in to try, all the while I'm going through unbearable pain of an almost 10 pound baby trying to come out. They give me a shot of Nubain in the meantime for the pain (BAD idea, apparently I'm allergic) and then the second success at the epi finally brought some relief, although not as much as I'd have liked. But it was tons better.

After several bouts of throwing up from the Nubain, the time rolls around to start pushing. 1.5 hours into it Dr. B told me he wasn't coming on down, and if he did, it was very likly his shoulders would get stuck. At that I opted for a c-section. I was prepped, and had to wait on the anesthesiologist once again for an increase in the epi since for some reason they couldn’t do a spinal, all the while still wanting to push like crazy from the pressure. I was wheeled into the OR at around 2:50am or somewhere thereabouts. I had what they called the "baby shakes" I could not control my shivering and shaking. The moved me over onto the operating table and placed the curtain up. I didn't even know when they were starting, all I felt was a lot of pressure and even some pain. Then here it came again, I had to throw up. So that was over with and started feeling tremendous pressure where they had to pull Carter back out of the birth canal. Then we heard his precious cry at 3:12am. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life! He weighed in at 9lbs, and 5oz, and was 20.25 inches long. He was born at exactly 38 weeks gestation by a few hours!

Now, two years later, I love to hear his little voice saying new words everyday! He is the love of our lives, and the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I took him and had his birthday portraits made on Friday, and his Birthday Party was Saturday afternoon, and we got him a John Deere Tractor ride on with a trailer. He LOVES that thing! We all had a wonderful time at his party.

July 4th!

Carter had a great July 4th! He got to see a parade of emergency vehicles, fireworks, and got to stay up till 10:30!!

The town of Wilkesboro had an emergency vehicle parade around downtown before the fireworks show. There were all kinds of firetrucks, policecars, and ambulances in it, with lights and sirens blaring the whole way. Of course Carter LOVED this! He sat so still in awe in my lap pointing and waving at every one that went by, and when another one would come around the corner, we'd get another point and a huge "WHOA!" and the arm would start going in a wave! Chris and I of course loved this more than the parade, we just watched Carter delight in the spectacle.

Afterwards we watched the fireworks. I wondered how he'd react to them, and he seemed to enjoy those as well, but by that time he was getting pretty tired, and who wants to see fireworks when you just saw all kinds of awesome firetrucks?! :)